Thefacebook.com’s darker side
Columnist
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
last updated March 10, 2004 4:00 AM
Like so many among you, I have been caught up in this thefacebook.com craze. After all, it’s the only thing that’s spreading faster than mono at last week’s Jell-O bash.
Many people have told me that they are surprised that a computer science major from Harvard designed this people-meeting service. Yeah, I’m surprised, too, that a CS major from socially vibrant Harvard would try to find a novel way to meet people. Who would have guessed that?
Now, students at Stanford, Harvard, Dartmouth, Columbia, Cornell and Yale have adopted the service, with many other top-tier universities on the way. However, I think the creators of the service should have called it something other than “The Facebook.” Perhaps “acne-ridden dork magazine” would have worked better. I kid — sort of. Cornell girls are hideous.
Mark Zuckerberg and Dustin Moskovitz, the masters of the Web site, seem only to have good intentions in mind when they created it. Zuckerberg said, “I know it sounds corny, but I’d love to improve people’s lives.” Corny, Mr. Zuckerberg? No, that seems downright suspicious. Why shell out cash for a Web s ite that serves other people? I smell a rat. Moskovitz was quoted as saying, “I don’t want to elaborate too much on our end goal / purpose, but I will say we are not without a plan.” No one seemed to catch that ominous statement in Friday’s edition of The Daily (“All the cool kids are doing it,” Mar. 5).
Just what are they up to?
Through my sources, I believe I’ve uncovered their goal: They are using the service to create a black market. Kidneys, gallbladders, endangered species and illegal Nerf weapons are among the items they seek to sell. But what is most frightening to me is their hoarding of eggs and sperm. Stay with me. Zuckerberg and Moskovitz are muscling in on the age-old egg / sperm racket.
Ever see those ads in the back of The Daily? They usually read something like this: “Donors Wanted: eggs from 6 ft. woman, with SATs over 1500 and able to bench 250 lbs.” Kind of specific, isn’t it?
And don’t you think it’s peculiar that they are only establishing the Web site at top-tier universities (and Cornell)? They need recruits — smart people who have the know-how to run a multi-million dollar illegal racket and keep their mouths shut. Zuckerberg and Moskovitz aren’t just trying to get people to meet other people; no, they are trying to build their crime family. Al Capone used something similar in the 1930s called “themugshot.com” and more recently, Martha Stewart used “itsagoodthing.com” to form her “Living” cadre. It’s practically the oldest trick in the book.
Not only do they need partners in crime, but they are in desperate need of eggs and sperm from the top one percent of academia. With these eggs, they will create a super race of mutant dorks, who will be able to pass CS 235 and able to bench twice that number.
Don’t believe me? Next time you look at your thefacebook.com profile, notice the different options for relationships. You can enter that you are seeking: “friendship / random play / a relationship / eggs and sperm to help build super smart people.”
And tell me you weren’t suspicious about the “poke” option. No one knows what it is, and the creators aren’t letting on. I have several theories for this one.
Poking could be how they initiate trade agreements. The eggs of a woman with 1530 SATs would be negotiated for cash; Stephen Cohen of The Stanford Review’s sperm might be traded for a piece of lint. To “poke” someone may also be a way to initiate confidence, like they are welcoming you into their dire, dorky racket. Or, to “poke” could mean to say “hi” to someone, as in a greeting. It’s definitely one of those three.
Well, thefacebook.com looks like it is here to stay. But to Zuckerberg and Moskovitz I say: Your plans have been unveiled and, in time, will be foiled. You shall never have any of my man seed, for I have created my own network of friends. It’s called womenwhowanttosleepwithchrisholt.com. It had so many hits the first day that the server crashed. Take that, super dorks.
Chris Holt is seeking dating / a relationship / to destroy all that is sacred and dear to this world. E-mail him at cholt@stanford.edu if you wanted to visit his Web site but the server was down.
